"Remind Me Who I Am"

Today my day started out just like any other day. My alarm went off at 7:15, I woke the kids, fed them, packed their lunches and got them off to school. Then I got some breakfast for myself and sat in my office to browse Facebook while I ate. (Because you know, life's too short not to multitask.) That's when my day changed.

A friend posted a music video. In itself, not unusual. I wouldn't say I know this friend particularly well, but I enjoy her posts just the same. It was a song called "Remind Me Who I am" by Jason Gray.

Mr. Gray sings about needing to be reminded who he is from time to time because of regret, loneliness and other such things. He sings about needing to be reminded that he belongs to God and that he's a beloved child of God.

"When my heart is like a stone
and I'm runnin' far from home
remind me who I am.
When I can't recieve Your love
afraid I'll never be enough
remind me who I am.
If I'm Your beloved
can You help me believe it?
Tell me once again who I am to You
who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You
That I belong to You."

I clicked on the video and every lyric I listened to got to me. (Especially the above second verse.)Music generally speaks to me louder than anything simply because it's a language I understand well. You name a situation, and I can probably come up with a song that fits it. Well, this time the song fit me perfectly.

God's timing is always perfect. He knows more about me than even my husband. He knows my hopes and dreams, my insecurities and failures, my thoughts, intentions and even the deepest desires of my heart. He can count the hairs on my head and the freckles on my nose.

This song was a good way of telling me that God is the perfect person to remind me of who He knows I am. And that I NEED to be reminded of that.

I've been mad at God for quite some time now. I've got several reasons, none of them good. Because of that fact my spiritual life sucks. I'm not saying that because of this song, that's all going to change. It's just not that simple, but this song has given me a new place to start praying. Obviously I've lost my way somehow and need to be guided back to the designated path.

I'm not writing this because I want you to feel sorry for me, or to get attention. I'm just sharing my thoughts in the hopes that maybe it speaks to someone else who needs what I need...

To be reminded who we are in Christ.

Here's the link to the video if you'd like to give it a listen. ; )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKyY8zfjBMQ&ob=av2e

What do I want to be when I grow up?

A couple months ago I took a personality test that gave me a lot of insight into why I function the way I do. For instance:

-I learn best in a group setting where there are ideas bounced around and discussion to better understand a subject. Which explains why I was always such a horrible student! Reading facts out of books and taking tests isn't the best way I learn.

-I am a "relational" person. These people need to be part of friendships and small groups that are growing in depth and vulnerability. Which explains why it's so important to me that I lead a transparent life and don't like being lied to or superficial relationships.

-"You have a tendency to have an insaciable appetite for more. It seems impossible, at times, to feel content and greatful with what you currently have or possess." Yep, that's hitting the nail on the head!

-"Sometimes you find yourself being involved in so many interesting things that you have not mastered any of them. You may find that you can't seem to land on what you were made to do because you seem so well suited for lots of things."

That point is where I had my "ah, ha" moment. I have lots of hobbies. I love the outdoors: hiking, biking, rafting, camping you name it I'm up for it. I am fairly well read and can hold a decent conversation about books. I can sew, knit, crochet, do crafts of all sorts and do finer needlework. I love physical activity: running, swimming, zumba ect. I love, love, love music. Listening, learning, practicing and performing it. I also have a fairly decent photographer's eye.

I became frustrated with myself after I wrote our Christmas letter this week. I wrote about all the things I've done over the past year. I became frustrated when I asked myself how well do I do any of those things.

There are a couple that I've been doing most of my life. I've enjoyed working with yarn since I was a child, so naturally I'm a very good knitter. As long as I can remember I've loved music. I have invested countless dollars and hours into music. This is what I think I'm the best at. I have a well trained ear and can play my instrument with ease.

This brings me to the big question. What is my calling? Besides being a good mother, I don't know. Because let's face it, after the kids leave I'll have to find something to do. I don't have a college degree and I don't plan to ever go back to school. In today's job market, that's a bad thing.

I don't want to be a professional musician because I don't like competition. (People pleaser)And I'm definately not a good private teacher. I'm pretty sure I'd be miserable if I was made to knit all day so that I could earn a living. And I've yet to learn of a company that would pay me to sit and read books all day.

It's a frustrating place to be and I'm not sure I'll ever have the answer I'm looking for. I'm also not really willing to give up any of my hobbies. That tells me that I just have to manage my time better. There just aren't enough hours in the day to do all the things I want to do. I should probably be a little more greatful to God for all the seeming "talents" he's given me. Even though it's confusing sometimes.

Apprehensive Excitement

For three years my husband and I have been trying to plan an Irish Getaway. We've postponed this trip twice. Always for financial reasons.

The first year, Eric felt it was irresponsible to go on such an expensive vacation when we had a significant amount of credit card debt. He was right. So we postponed our trip one year and used the money to pay off our credit card.

Last year we had planned and saved. We were SO excited! Then we were hit with a huge financial brick. We had to use everything we'd saved plus a generous loan from a family member to dig ourselves out of financial ruin. Once again, Ireland got postponed.

Which brings you up to date.

Our debt will be paid off this month *insert angels singing here* and we can start planning again. We've covered our financial bases well this time. (At least for the foreseeable future.) We're starting to plan for our trip... again.

I have to admit that I'm quite apprehensive this time. I've been disappointed twice before and I'm a little bit afraid to let myself get so excited only to be let down again.

Then I look up at my office windowsill and see our "Ireland or Bust" jar. We've been diligently putting our change and spare dollars in there. It's quite heavy now! That makes me excited!

I'm looking forward to planning this trip again. I know that God's timing is perfect and that we'll enjoy the trip much more because of what we've been through.

Today's Blessing

This has been a really bad week for me. I'm not even going to go into why. All you need to know is that today, I'm blessed by this promise:

"I remember my affliction and my wantering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope; Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness" Lamentations 3:19-23

Today's Blessing

I'd like to take a moment to share with you some internal dialogue I had today. It takes some setting up, but I promise you, it will be worth staying with me until the end.

I have this shirt that I got for being on the staff of vacation bible school at our church this summer. It's black and has "The JESUS Expedition" written in huge, bright orange letters across the front of it.

I don't wear this shirt much. Not because I don't like it, but because I don't really wear a lot of black. Especially when it's in conjunction with orange... eh, hem... QUACK!

I was in my bedroom getting dressed for tonight's zumba class. I had my awesome zumba pants on and was trying to decide on a shirt.

I usually wear a quick-dry tanktop to the gym, but it was cold today and I was looking for something with a little more coverage. I decided on a t-shirt.

My zumba pants are black so naturally the most flattering (yes that's right, I put this much thought into what I wear to the gym) color would be black. For some reason, I put on my BLUE Bridge Pedal t-shirt. It wasn't pretty...

This is the internal dialogue that followed:

"This looks stupid, I should just wear the Jesus shirt."
"UGH, I don't really wanna wear the Jesus shirt."
"It's black and will hide the fat rolls better."
"But then it's like wearing a Jesus billboard."
"And the problem is...???"
"I hate being labled as something before they even talk to me."
"But I AM a Christian. It's not like most people don't already know that."
"Am I ashamed to wear a Jesus billboard?!?!?!"
"Am I ashamed to wear the name of the man who sacrificed everything for me?"
"This is so stupid! He suffered a horrible death on a cross all to save me from my own sins and I'm standing here complaining because I don't wanna wear a shirt with His name on it TO THE GYM!"
"I'm pathetic."

*I put on the Jesus shirt*

"Wow, I look skinnier in this shirt. Huh."

Today I'm thankful that I live in a country where I can proudly wear a t-shirt that proclaims the name of my Lord and Savior!

My Daily Blessing

I have been fighting with feelings of frustration, inadequacy, loneliness and dissatisfaction for about the last year.

I mentioned these feelings to my Tuesday morning bible study buddies this morning. They were all very sympathetic and one woman even had a very good suggestion for me. She said that someone told her once that when she felt that way she should write down one way God had blessed her everyday.

That sounded like a very good (and easy) way of physically seeing how blessed I am.

Since we're so technologically integrated these days I thought my blog would be a good place to write those things down. You see, things tend to get lost in my house, so if I type them out online, I'll never lose them!

I've been thinking all day about what my daily blessing for today would be. I've come up with several things (YEA), but the one I'm most thankful for today is:

My twins are in the same classroom.

They got to do their homework together today because it was a math game that required two players. I think the teacher intended them to play with a parent, but it seemed like a good learning experience for them to play together. (And I was there supervising the whole time.)

Their teacher called me today and told me a little story about the boys. After telling me she said that it has turned out that they do really well in a classroom together and they're wonderful boys. *tear*

I am very blessed today!

First Day of First Grade!

As many of you know my twins, Daniel and Taylor started first grade this year. Since Daniel has Asperger's, his doctor said it would be benificial to have them in the same classroom for the first year of public school. I sort of had to fight for that because the school district doesn't like twins in the same classroom. Our situation is unique, so they obliged.

>Before this, I had home schooled my kiddos. After several years of that I realized it was too much for me. I'm not consistent enough or organized enough (shocking, I know.) to be a really good teacher. With the added task of watching my nieces and nephew everyday, home schooling became overwhelming.

Daniel and Taylor (Ethan too) were WAY excited for their first day! They waited in anxious anticipation until it was time to go.

We walked the first day because I needed to show them to their classrooms and help deliver supplies that didn't fit into their small backpacks.


When we got to their classroom I made them pause for a minute for a quick photo.


Once they got settled it became clear that it was time for me to leave. Surprisingly I kept it together and didn't cry.


I have to selfishly admit that it's really nice to have the house so quiet during the day. My nephew hardly makes any noise and is a very easy child to care for, so I definately feel the relief.

Now I have all this time... I should be able to keep the house clean and have a nice dinner on the table every night right????